Beloved,
I cut my hair yesterday,
my long, flowing locks
so dear to you –
the locks that sprawled
over your chest evenings,
when I rested my head on you…
Beloved, I cut my hair yesterday
just to forget you.
I saw how the locks got sheared off,
and how they fell.
A broom swept them up
along with other trash,
and cast away…
Today I woke up
without those locks,
with my neck bare,
a strange sight
in the mirror.
An unhappy,
unsmiling,
distorted face –
a mockery of myself.
Without you, without my hair,
I am doubly bare.
Did you dream of that moment
when people would leave the two of us alone?
So that we could tell each other something extra?
So that you could be you, and I could be me?
The moment came…
You said nothing
And I said nothing.
The hand of the clock raced
on the face of the timepiece,
and our only memory of it
was a light handshake.
3. YOU WENT AWAY
(“Ike ti”)
You went away
and something broke
inside me…
My smile
lost its sparkle
and the sun hid
behind a cloud.
4. WHY DID YOU COME SO LATE?
(“Pse erdhe kaq vone?”)
Why did you come to me so late?
after the wheat was harvested
and only the straw remained
on the scorched plain?
Why did you come to me so late,
after the very last door was closed
and winter shut you out?
5. WHY DO I LOVE YOU….
(“Pse te desha ty…”)
….because you brought back to me
the treasure of my youth
which I had locked up.
I hid the key somewhere,
and somehow forgot and lost it.
How did you find it?
6. THE BOUQUET OF FLOWERS AT DAYBREAK
(“Buqete lulesh ne te gdhire”)
The bouquet of flowers from you
at five in the morning,
praising my gentle nature,
unwittingly told me that
on that very night,
Ah, precisely that night, my love,
you betrayed me!
7. DAISIES IN WILLIAMSBURG
(“Luleshqerra ne Williamsburg”)
Wow!
I did not realize that last night
I slept in a hotel
surrounded by daisies –
the flowers of my childhood.
Do you recall?
We used to fill our laps with them,
make wreaths with them and place them on our head
as soon as Spring arrived.
Then, giggling, laughing, cheering
we ran care-free down the hill,
with skirts blown up by the wind.
Wow!
I didn’t think that in Colonial Williamsburg
I would find so many daisies! – the flowers of my youth.
Do you recall?
I would pluck the petals: “he loves me, he loves me not, he
loves me, he loves me not….”
as we climbed the hills late in the afternoon.
You kidded me: “Why don’t you turn it around,
so I could love you forever?”
Strange!
I did not expect to wake up today
in this foreign country, in Williamsburg,
surrounded by daisies.
Once again, I felt how
marvelously
Spring came to me!
8. THE POWER OF MUSIC
(“Pushteti i muzikes”)
God, how strongly I feel
the power of music!
It takes hold of my entire being,
it floods my heart,
it overwhelms my spirit,
it lifts me off the ground
and fills my eyes with tears of joy.
It’s the only time that
I’m not true to you!
9. POETRY REMNANTS
(“Mbetje poezish”)
Have you any idea how many remnants of poems I have?
Poems forgotten in desk drawers, or left in the computer,
Thrown on the desk, or lying beneath it,
Stuffed into my handbag and heaven knows where else….
Isolated verses
Torn from my poems,
Fragments of pain hid in my bosom
Just to keep them from you.
Reproaches for your careless ways
And for hurting my pride;
Words of yours tossed thoughtlessly,
Lips bitten over your name.
They are indignations, falls, vows
For revenges never carried out;
Smiles cut short, ironies,
Suppressed desires you’re not aware of.
You will never know
How many times you distressed me,
How many times I longed for you,
How many times I regretted….meeting you!
10. ONLY A MOMENT
(“Vetem nje moment”)
Oh, folks!
Give me a moment of calm,
oh, folks!
Only a moment.
Not like the hundreds I’ve given you,
but my moment, that’s what I want,
so I can tell my eyes to rest,
my lips to keep still,
and the tired thought “Stop” –
for the world, too, stopped
a moment….
Give me a moment,
Only a moment of rest I want
so that I may turn into a tornado
and take you with me, lift you sky-high
then
sleep forever.
11. DON’T TRUST THE POET
(“Poetit mos i beso”)
“On the oasis of love
‘created for me,’ ”
you used to tell me,
“if some day
I should write about love,
the lines shall be for you
for your hands, your eyes,
your heart, alone!”
A lot of water passed under the bridge
The fountain dried up
The golden plain was scorched
The crops ripened
and were gathered into sheaves
A star shone up in the heavens,
then fell to earth,
yet, that poem was never written.
On the oasis of love,
created long ago for me,
you were seen whispering
to another, the very words
you once uttered to me!
12. THRICE BEWILDERED TODAY
(“Tri here e hutuar sot”)
After meeting you today:
I missed my bus stop,
called the wrong number home
to tell them I’ll be late,
drove my sisters mad
when I called my brother by your name!
Do not these three things suffice
to prove that I am crazy about you?
13. ADOLESCENT LOVE
(“Dashuri adoleshentesh”)
Beloved, we haven’t seen each other
for three days.
What’s happening with you? Where are you?
Don’t you miss me?
“I hurt my lip, darling
and believe me
I’m going crazy
that I’m unable to kiss you.”
Then let me do the kissing
I won’t hurt you.
Who knows?
I might cure you.
The day you told me you loved me,
I had injured my hand;
with your lips you kissed the wound
and, lo!, my hand was healed!
14. HEART AND PRIDE
(“Zemra dhe sedra”)
I encouraged you to leave me
thinking it was best for you
(Not because you became a stranger to me)
Now that my pride is intact,
the heart is free to suffer.
15. STUBBORNNESS
(“Kokefortesi”)
How strange you are!
Why do you behave like a child,
expecting others to force themselves
to say “I love you!”
What you’re asking for
is not love.
Don’t weep in vain.
It’s sheer stubbornness to want
what you can’t get.
You stubborn head and wounded pride –
why don’t you look for the one who loves you,
instead of vainly pining for one who doesn’t?
16. YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
(“Ti ishe nje aksident”)
You were an accident,
I tripped and fell,
hurt my knee slightly
and after brushing the dust off of it,
got up again
and was on my way.
Now, I know how to walk
and you can no longer bewitch me.
I’ve learned to spot
obstacles like you.
17. INSPIRATION
(“Frymezimi”)
What was that powerful inspiration
you gave me?
powerful and infinite.
What magnitude earthquake
was it,
that makes my heart tremble
to this day?
18. RAILROAD TRACKS
(“Shinat”)
Like demented trains, feelings
run on parallel tracks
forever.
They draw close, groan, screech and separate
to break their neck somewhere
for good.
Tracks that extend endlessly,
destined never
to meet.
One of them was I; the other was You.
19. EQUILIBRIUM
(“Ekuiliber”)
Only a thin veil
separated friendship from love.
We were ever so careful not to slip!
Yet, failed.
Now we weep for both of them!
20. SOUNDS
(“Tinguj”)
What a great gift to me –
this piano and violin concert today.
It drives away monotony;
it casts off loneliness like something outmoded.
It ushers in the voices of Spring,
the flutter of birds on the wing;
the sound of gurgling waters,
the sight of white lilies in my courtyard.
It’s like a magic door opening up,
or a green carpet that stretches on and on,
or the smell of freshly-sprouted grass.
I revel in this spiritual exaltation.
No need for a pillow to rest my head.
21. ENOUGH!
(“Mjaft”)
“Enough with verses about love,”
you tell me.
“They’ve devoured your thought completely.”
“Stop!”
I tell myself, also
and, behold….
the world stops going round and round.
22. A WOMAN APPEARED
(“U shfaq nje grua”)
A day shall come
when you, a gray-headed man,
your wrinkled forehead
shall scratch
and bring to mind
an age in-between;
a difficult
but special age,
when childhood is gone
and manhood not yet won.
Between these two thresholds
a ball of light
appeared
and enthralled you.
You thought you knew so much,
yet, knew nothing at all.
In that light, out of nowhere,
a woman showed up
and, magic-like, left you speechless.
You didn’t make sense anymore
and, like a specter, began to
chase her everywhere.
She touched your hair
kissed your eyes
left you breathless
as she wet your lips.
You faltered, got upset
wept for your childhood,
your agitated throat
tightened up badly;
you wanted to run,
but where to, you poor soul?
You didn’t know how to exit
nor how you entered.
You looked for a door
to bang aloud and close shut,
so you, the trapped one,
could be let out.
Exhausted and dismayed
you bandaged your heart
to muffle its beat
so you would not hear it.
Deep inside you concealed it,
hoping to put it out of mind.
Even so
she found it
(oh, the terrible chest pains).
Then, in her hands
she held it, like a pearl
and laughed over it,
and cried over it…..
23. THE KISS
(“Puthja”)
Twice today I sought to shower,
twice I stepped out….dry.
I did not want to wash away
the kiss you planted on my flesh.
24. POETRY
(“Poezia”)
There is so much to do,
besides writing poetry.
Yet, poetry follows me
everywhere, without cease,
it just won’t let me alone, in peace.
It makes me forget all else,
and drives me to look for
pen and paper, only.
25. DIVORCE
(“Divorc”)
“The loaf is broken”, they said
(about a loaf that was never leavened)
“They parted ways in the morning”, they said.
But they didn’t say:
“A child also was divided in two.”
26. DO YOU KNOW WHAT I LONG FOR?
(“E di per c’fare me ka marre malli”)
…..to dine, like in times gone by
on bread and cheese (our cheese),
tomato and a bit of cucumber
(with the true aroma of cucumber),
or fried eggs with minced meat and cottage cheese –
that’s what I miss.
To hang clothes in the courtyard
when it’s sunny, when it’s windy –
that’s what I miss.
Meeting you secretly
in the dark by the school,
and taking a long stroll in the boulevard –
oh, how much I miss that!
To feel slightly cold in the Winter,
and have some buttermilk in the Summer –
oh, how very much I miss that!
27. THIS POEM IS FOR….
(“Kjo poezi eshte per…”)
….a forgotten sentiment
that raised its head and came to life,
but before it could rejoice,
it was shamed, because they said,
“You’re no baby, you’re a grown-up woman.”
So she withdrew in pain
and tearfully hid
in a crevice of the soul
so deep, it can’t be found,
and lets out screams
men can’t understand.
Torches in hand
they start to look for her,
wanting to bring her back,
but bring her back they can’t,
for she grew long nails
and turned into a beast.
28. A WOMAN’S LOVE
(“Dashuria e Gruas”)
A woman needs
only
a moment
to fall in love.
It could be
a moment of
admiration,
sincerity,
emptiness,
resemblance,
exaltation,
confession,
understanding,
regret,
Spring,
renewal,
illusion,
revenge,
need.
Only
a moment
to be caught
in her own trap,
and for the rest
of her life
weave thoughts
about Him.
29.I DON’T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO SUMMER
(“Nuk di ç’ngjau me veren”)
I don’t know what happened to Summer,
changing places like this with Autumn.
Today, it visited us with a howling wind
that made the neighborhood tremble.
This Autumny-Summer has shut us in,
we have no will to step outdoors;
we’re left longing for the real Summer
the way we long for old fairy tales.
30. THE COLOR OF LOVE
(“Ngjyre e dashurise”)
Plopped in a corner,
I sit alone.
Rose petals
left from last evening,
cover my lap and knees;
silky petals, the color of crimson
I can neither shake off or throw away.
Memories are so dear
and sweet, like old wine.
Pink roses – they are,
the color of love,
like no other color.
31. DINNER LANDSCAPE
(“Pejsazh darke”)
Dinner is over, the guests are gone, dispersed.
On the dinner table, they left bits of watermelon,
a few bunches of grapes that some had nibbled randomly,
empty wine glasses smudged with lipstick,
ashtrays with crushed cigarette butts.
Ah!....me, too, they left slumped in a sofa,
dead tired from exhaustion.
New York, November, 2003
32. MOMMY
(“Nenokja”)
There you are, my sweet Mommy,
fingers crossed, deep in thought,
looking out the window.
I know what’s troubling you, I know.
Since the day you arrived,
you’ve been imprisoned by snow.
“The snow here, dear daughter,
is just awful, a calamity!?!”
The nieces keep chirping on the phone:
“Where are you, Grandma? We miss you, so!”
On your fingers you count the days and say:
“I’m coming, my darlings, I’m on my way.”
I also count the days, and ask:
How can you get up and go so soon?
You’ve been here such a short time,
I need your baby talk, Mommy dear.
Like times gone by, she hugs me tight:
“You’re my brave girl, big and strong,
but now I must run along,
Xhulia, Ana, wait for me, in Tirana.”
January, 2001, Brooklyn, New York
33. THE UNEXPECTED
(“E papritura”)
Something unexpected happened
to us tonight!
It surprised us, stunned us,
left us limp.
Contrary to what people say,
the world is not so big
that you could forget me,
and I could lose you.
34. THE BROKEN LOAF
(“Buka u thye”)
…..we changed,
transforming into two separate halves
arising from the same pain;
and for a moment
stood close to each other
to suffer
the last moment
…..of separation
35. SUMMER MORNING
(“Mengjez vere”)
Plastic chairs left in the courtyard,
forgotten since last night,
the lights left burning, as well,
and people inside, snoring.
Alone, I stroll on Avenue N,
with slow steps, I turn back
and silently scold the sleeping world,
for depriving me of someone to talk to….
Summer, 2001
36. MY 100TH POEM
(“Poezia ime e 100-te”)
Through my poems, you can now look
into my heart, as through a glass;
perhaps you’ll raise your eyebrows
and, with surprise, ask: Is that you? Really?
Your surprise will not surprise me,
for you always wondered
who was it you shared those feelings with!
With you, I was always shy,
with you, I never sported
but took care to hide my tears,
while anxiously waiting for dawn to break….
Translated from Albanian
by Peter R. Prifti
San Diego, California
September 22, 2006